- I was a mother who is absent and integrated for years before I went to rehabilitate for six months.
- After I became sober, I had to learn to be one of my children.
- My children have learned to forgive me, but I still learn to forgive myself.
More than 11 years ago, I went to rehabilitation. This was not the first time, but it was the last.
I have now been sober for 11 years. This is really a long time, and no one, including me, did not think that I will get here. You are my stereotypical mom. I lied, cheated, and stolen. I have made promises to the faces of my innocent, innocent children because alcohol was more important to me; It was the most important to me.
Before I was sober, there were months when I saw my children only for a few hours a week. The holidays, parents’ conferences and teachers, and sporting events have been destroyed. I gave them chaos when they deserve and need peace. I was so much that I did not see the damage I caused. The damage it caused was great – and it was not the opposite.
This is similar to what they told me when I went to rehabilitation: “Do not hurry to recover with your children. The only thing you can do is to earn a living – proved to them that you are sober today and then do again tomorrow.
I asked how my children, especially my older daughter, could forgive me. I was a bad mother. But over time, we found our way.
I focused on being my mother’s fun mother at first
After rehabilitation, I wanted to be the best or could I be, and I wanted to believe that one day, my children were forgiven for me – and perhaps forgiving myself too.
I listened to other alcohol mothers in AA meetings, participating in stories about healing and forgiveness, and cultivated enough hope to keep me sober for one moment. One day. One week. Ultimately, one full year. My children started to see that I was changing.
We have done a lot of fun things together, such as trampoline gardens, Paulling and escaping. Our time increased together from a few hours on Wednesday in the afternoon until overnight, then every last weekend. Soon after, we were 50-50.
Their fear of drinking slowly, but it definitely slipped away, and finally felt as a real mother.
I had to find courage to apologize to my children
I was fixing the damage, but saying “I am sorry” was still difficult. The belief that I took over the forgiveness seemed far away.
I remember the first time that I said words to my older daughter. It was very difficult to look at her beautiful face and admit that I was worse or possible for this perfect little girl. I always wanted to do what I did: he fled before I say, “I’m sorry”, drink my fault, or completely disappear because accountability and a sense of guilt and shame was too much.
But when my daughter shared one of her important memories and shock with me – one of her messing around and her dance was overpowered – I knew that I had to do the right thing for her, regardless of how uncomfortable for me.
I said, “I am sorry.” “I know how difficult it is for you, and I want you to know that I am not this person today. I am awake today, and I plan to do everything I can never be this person again.”
In the face of shame, it was the confrontation of the full accountability, and my daughter’s confrontation was a great step towards recovery. She released a ton of guilt and shame with this apology. She told me that he was fine, but there were more steps along the way – conversations about what was the case, and sometimes notice, sometimes not much. We often had to discuss AA, the new way of life, and what I do to stay sober on any specific day.
I am rebuilding my relationship correctly with my children
My three children and I have come a long way and neither of us was the person we used to.
But deep down, my fault and my nakedness are still present, as well as a huge amount of fear. Fear of losing my children again. Whoever makes a bad decision and pushing them away. From saying or doing the wrong thing, suddenly, they remember that I am a bad mother and drives me to get out of their lives. I still learn to forgive myself for everything too.
But on February 3road2025, the following text appeared on my phone:
“Congratulations on 11 years of balance! I am very proud of you and love you so much. My mother has always wanted.”
I wrote again: “I love you too, Molly. I am very happy because you waited for me, I thought about me, and gave me a lot of opportunities. The mother has always deserved.”
